Investigating those things we’ve tucked away

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. – Lao Tzu

When I was growing up I was fascinated with a rather large cedar chest that sat at the foot of my parent’s bed. Whenever Mom had it open I was drawn into their room like a moth to a flame. I remember sitting on the floor as mother lovingly put things away ¾ special tablecloths, delicate sweaters, hand-made decorations, fragile souvenirs … memory makers and keepers. The smell was mesmerizing but it was the love that I noticed.  She gently tucked everything she valued beneath the lid of her big wooden chest, everything material that is. Cedar chests were called a special name by girls of her generation. They were called Hope Chests. Before young women got married they filled their chests with linens, a special dress, sometimes a baby’s christening outfit … those things they hoped and dreamed for, those things that symbolized their growth into adulthood.

During the past two weeks I have been looking into my own hope chest, but unlike my mother, I do not have a literal wooden chest in which I store the significance of my life and the dreams for my future. Besides, my generation would have needed a chest much larger ¾ cavernous and capable of expansion. I couldn’t have been satisfied with a wooden chest that fit at the foot of my bed. Everything I dreamed of wouldn’t have fit inside. Perhaps I would have been better off if it had.    

Over the past many years I have been emptying my chest of all its needs and desires, trying to find out who I am without them. While in Mexico on our year-long sailboat trip I had experienced emptiness and the immense connection to all that accompanies such a Divine encounter. With that understanding I knew there was something more to life than things, that what was important was simple and clean, loving and pure. Nothing else mattered beside Love. In the end, Love would be all that survived.  So I began purging myself of everything I believed I needed to survive. God was my help mate showing me things I hadn’t considered and assisting me to strip away everything that wasn’t His Love. All that happened ­¾ Ken’s illness, money concerns, family issues, the success of others … everything ­¾ had to be cleared out of the chest. What amazing grace.

Last week another Divine intervention took place. In the flash of eye I saw my emptied hope chest and in the corner was a rather large speck of dust. We are converting our property and hopefully our neighbor’s property into an intentional community. One of the partners in the endeavor is an amazing woman with a brilliant husband and two small children. She is a remarkable healer and spiritual teacher in her own right. We were considering the four of them living with us while all the details of creating an LLC ¾ getting permits, plans and construction ¾ are completed. That could take a while depending on how cooperative the county planning folks decide to be. In order to do that a downstairs carriage house remodel was required. There’s an apartment upstairs and the two floors together would give a family of four enough space. As I was trying to renovate my husband’s attitude about lessening his storage space, it came to me that his acceptance had to be intentional as well or the community we wanted to create could not thrive.

That in and of itself was a worthy speck of dust but the insight that happened later that night dwarfed it like a giant. As we were watching a mindless television program I saw a speck that I still cradled in my chest of hope. Something inside me wanted to watch mindless programming and hang onto a bit of human normalcy … to be like other people and not dissolve fully into Love. I wanted to hold onto life like most humans live it so that I could fit in (just a bit) and not be completely off the charts. With another spiritual teacher and her family here, I knew life would be different, more focused on the Divine. I had caught sight of a well-hidden safety deposit box inside my hope chest.  

Is it gone? Have I processed my desire to keep the contents in the small corner of my chest ¾ my self obsession? The desire still moves within and I sit in awareness allowing it full access to my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual bodies. At times it feels like a war inside, guns blazing and cannons exploding. Then it settles and softens before the war rages again. It is interesting to watch and to experience. Writing about it today and sending it out to you tomorrow feels cathartic.

We all have things we hope to hang onto, things that keep us from experiencing our wholeness and from a face-to-face meeting with God. When all is said and done, nothing will remain but Love. We are each intended to realize this Love fully and share it with our brothers and sisters while we are still in a body and here on Earth. We are this Love. It is a choice that we each must answer for ourselves.

Lindsey Kelloway: What are people like, on the inside?
Powder: Inside most people there’s a feeling of being separate, separated from everything.
Lindsey: And?
Powder: And they’re not. They’re part of absolutely everyone, and everything.

From Powder: 1995

 

 

I welcome your comments!

Life or its imitation

Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was Chou. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man. Between a man and a butterfly there is necessarily a distinction. The transition is called the transformation of material things. (Chinese Philosopher Master Zhuang)

Do you know what is real and what is imagination? Are you sure? If so, how do you know the difference? Your mind is an amazingly creative device. When you awaken from a dream, sometimes minutes pass before you can shake yourself out of what only a breath before appeared real. If you believed in the dream’s reality, what makes you believe only minutes later in the dream’s unreality? Which reality is true—the dream about life or life lived apparently outside the dream? Which dream is the dream? Beliefs are different for each of us. What is believed real for me may not be real to you. Is it possible that what is real comes with no bottom line certainty?

Morpheus to Neo: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain (The Matrix)

Is that all real is? Electrical signals? Each of us must answer that question for ourselves, but if you have experienced glimpses, have a sense of something beyond the wizard’s curtain, you already know that something other than this day-to-day experience exists. It is what drives the search. Without that inner understanding wouldn’t you be content, unable to conceive the possible validity of your butterfly nature. Perhaps there are layers of reality, like the layers of an onion, and different things appear real depending on your perspective and willingness to look deeper.

It’s an interesting conundrum, this reality question. When you are daydreaming—life lived within the dream—is that real? You make up stories in your heads, act out conversations, envision outcomes, and feel the energetic impact of your imagination in your stomach and heart. Is that real? Feels pretty real, doesn’t it? But as soon as you pop out of the trance, you immediately recognize the daydream as unreality. Too bad your body doesn’t have such a mechanism. If it did it would shake off the silent apprehension easily, effortlessly.

Imagination feels real, even after you snap out of the game. We humans spend much of our lives playing with imagination and fantasy. Most suffering stems from this mindplay as we strive to envision a life different from the one we have, replaying old conversations, conversations long gone and yet, energetically resilient.

Pay attention and you will find a goldmine of information floating through your head. Notice that it is not enough to live in the moment—that it is more important to analyze, to review, and replay. Become aware of how you spend your life’s precious days inside your head, playing with different versions of life instead of living it. In fact, can you detect that you spend so much time within the what ifs of imagination that you develop a craving for mindplay, little by little learning to prefer it to the real thing, even while you quietly pray for the voices inside your head to stop?

Most of us fear dying, afraid we haven’t fully lived because at some level we know we haven’t yet begun to live. Fear of death, when seen and acknowledged, is liberating, especially when we see the gift that lies beneath this desire to linger a little longer. Life is not a brain inside a bell jar. Life is full-on engagement. It is lived out loud and accessed only in the moment. Insistence upon our version of life keeps us locked inside our mind, crippling us emotionally and spiritually, consuming the spice of life. It kills us long before the body drops away. Our fear of death is actually our desire to truly live, to experience living life out loud.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. Norman Cousins (American Essayist and Editor, long associated with the Saturday Review. 1912-1990)

This ache, this loneliness, this sense of faking our way through life, is our blessing. It is the divine cattle prod, the siren’s call to freedom. For many of us it is the reason we search. It asks nothing of us other than to answer its call and understand its message. And the message is, “What you have been doing has not been working or you wouldn’t still be looking for answers, you would have become answer, complete in yourself”.

What have you been doing? Have you been attempting to think your way out of your predicament, envisioning the perfect future, perhaps even uttering words of hope and faith, but to what purpose, to change your current reality into one you deem better? Have you held out hope for your awakening to ensure your specialness, hope for your success to guarantee that others look up to you, hope for your picture of the perfect life that will finally establish your worthiness? Have you held out hope to be any of many things rather than abandoning desire and looking to life as it is? Each hope, is a wolf in sheep’s clothes, a distraction from reality, another foray into mind! Are you ready yet to lay down your arms and consider the message?

Morpheus to Neo: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
Morpheus [to Neo who is choosing the red pill] Remember… all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.

What is truth? What is real? Can you really know? Would you like to? You will not find the Real in imagination. You won’t even find ‘life’ in imagination. Life is only lived on the razor’s edge, between past and future. It shimmers lightly right here in this moment even before thoughts about the present. A life of imagination is not life. It is make-believe, fantasy, pretend, imitation—no different than imaginary food on a child’s play table. This pretend life leaves one empty and unfulfilled, aching for the Real. It leaves us gasping for air, depressed and alone. Life is only lived as one chooses to be fully present, fully here, regardless of what or who shows up, even when it’s messy and uncomfortable as it is certain to be.

Do you want freedom from mind’s endless conversation, from your self-condemnation and fear of inadequacy—this mess we all, when we are willing to be brutally honest, find ourselves in. Do you genuinely want emotional, mental and spiritual freedom? Stop a minute before you answer. There are many reasons you might want to continue this mindplay. As you well know, at times it is quite fun and entertaining. It has kept you utterly occupied for years. Stop and recognize that choosing Now, choosing to show up for life, means stopping the game, stopping the play of mind, stopping the forays into daydream, into what if, and the scenarios of your perfect life—you know, the life you will have when and if you get lucky or better yet, work hard enough. Choosing this moment has infinite implications. Are you ready to quit dreaming and enter into Life, ready to reclaim yourself from the bell jar of your imagination? Are you willing to really live? Will you choose the red pill?

Morpheus: I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.

 

What did you think about the article? Your comments are welcomed and will be responded to as well!

Lessons from the Men at the Oregon State Correctional Institution

A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Albert Einstein

Recently I somewhat reluctantly gave into a voice I had been hearing for several months. The first time I heard the voice, I thought I had misunderstood. I had heard, “Prison…go and do this work at the men’s prison.” Certainly, mind was playing its game. I watched the thought, expecting it to come and go. It was a persistent, nagging thought so I offered token acceptance to the Universe. You pave the way and I will go. I didn’t expect heaven and earth to move quite so quickly but as I learned, when something is intended, our ‘Yes’, even when given with half-hearted acquiescence, sets this physical plane into motion. Just a few days later, without a shred of effort, a door opened and the pieces began to fall into place.

As my date at the prison approached I had just a little anxiety. What would it be like? What would they be like? I was concerned about connecting with the men and a thought flashed through my mind that my life hadn’t prepared me to connect with men in prison. What did I have to say that would make any difference to them? Even as I questioned my usefulness, I knew I wouldn’t have been led here if there wasn’t a reason, so I slipped rather effortlessly into surrender.

When I walked in the door, I didn’t have any anxiety, just a desire to bring something of value to the men. Originally, I was supposed to join Blaze, the gentleman who started the prison program, for my first session. A few days earlier I had found out he would not be in attendance and I was on my own. The door slammed behind me as I entered into the population and I felt a dense energy that for a moment was a bit unsettling. For that second, I wished I had company, someone who had walked this path before. The guard escorted me to the chaplain’s office and after we completed a few details, the chaplain walked me down the hall to academics where I would meet with the men. He needed to chaperone the Native American drumming circle so he left me in the room and I waited for the first of the men to appear.

Blaze had told me that the men had big hearts and an amazing openness to Oneness. They were captive, with no where to go. I wondered if surrender to God is easier when you have already surrendered your life’s dream. The words flowed through me. I was merely the channel—like heaven’s radio station. The teachings encompassed both beginner and advanced material. I had never felt it come through me in quite that way. One moment I would be talking about basic concepts and in the next moment, quite advanced teaching would come through. As I engaged with the men, it seemed to be perfect for that moment.

We talked about Oneness and whether they were really a part of this Oneness. They were so honest. Yes, they had heard about Oneness. Yes, they intellectually got it. Yes, they hoped it was true, but, it was not a true knowing. With their permission I did a little energy work with each man and held my hands a few inches in front of their heart chakras and in back of the chair at heart level. After a few moments I was led to hold my hands above their Crown chakras. To a man, albeit to varying degrees, they each felt the energy. One in particular, a tall Irish man, asked if I had my hands on his head. My hands were 4 inches above his head. That observation gave us lots to talk about. If I end at my fingertips and you at the top of your head, how can you feel this energy? Is it possible that we really are One?

Blaze was right. They were so amazingly open. Their hearts were somewhat hidden, but willing…wanting. They could have been any group of men. They could have been friends, brothers, husbands, sons…sitting around the table at the holidays. Not one would have looked out of place.

Sounds like enough of a tale…but for me, only the beginning. As I drove home, I began to realize a new appreciation for freedom and in the same breath, I was also given a new appreciation for incarceration. Each thing I did for the balance of the next two days took on a beauty of appreciation and gratitude that was exceedingly deep—things as simple as opening the door to my car, my house, being able to close the door to the bathroom, being surrounded by flowers in my gardens, or my dog laying her head in my lap. As I write about this now, I feel my heart cracking open again, even more fully, yet another level of love revealed. After the visit I felt unable to get my balance, unable to integrate the time at the prison, like I was standing on the groundless, untethered to earth. I felt myself becoming each person who had ever been locked inside a prison…then each soul embroiled in war or hopelessly lost in poverty. The brightness of compassion was my saving grace. It could have been a deep hole, a desperation created by mind, as I also felt a small daemon—separateness—clinging to me, something that I hadn’t felt for quite a while. That evening in meditation, in an effort to befriend it, there was awareness of the crusader within, wanting to change the world, a part of the whole that had stepped out of Now and into should, into past and future. It took several days to integrate all the energy and information but slowly, with the help of friends, a context of five levels of imprisonment took form.

As I write, two additional levels became clear:

Unaware of mental and emotional imprisonment but physically free

Aware of mental and emotional imprisonment but physically free

Unaware of mental and emotional imprisonment but incarcerated

Aware of mental and emotional imprisonment and incarcerated

Aware of mental and emotional imprisonment and consciously incarcerated, choosing to sit under the Bodhi tree or retreat to a cave in commitment to spiritual freedom

Free mentally and emotionally but incarcerated

Free mentally and emotionally and physically, not imprisoned or incarcerated

Looking at the list, I know where I sit. I sit under the Bodhi tree with the Buddha. I walk beside Jesus in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. These articles are my incarceration, locked in step with the process of attaining freedom. I do not sit within a physical cave, but I clearly see the cave of mind, and shall remain dug in ‘til the last daemon is fully returned to the Whole. These words are evidence of commitment to freedom, of dedication to making the last thoughts and beliefs so transparent as to remove their ability to hide. In awe of the power of forgiveness, willing to release all I have created in my ignorance against This that pervades all, I stand naked before God with nothing but Love.

Physical freedom is merely another proving ground without spiritual freedom. It doesn’t matter where we find ourselves when we are imprisoned, when we see ourselves as separate from God. What does matter is what we do with our knowledge of imprisonment. What matters is that we begin walking towards freedom. Start walking and God’s pull will turn even the smallest steps into winged flight.

As long as you are pointed in the right direction, all you have to do is keep on walking. Buddhist Proverb

Are you free or do your thoughts imprison you? What are you doing to get free? Let’s start a dialog and keep it going until we all believe that freedom is not only possible, it is our birthright! Would love to hear your comments and thoughts.

So far from what I thought!

Forgiveness is a powerful tool and one of the most misunderstood terms in the English language. As a small child I was taught to forgive my playmates, my sisters, or others who made me mad or hurt my feelings. Raised in a Christian home, I was taught many ideals based in Christian principles. Forgiveness was only one of them. I always thought forgiveness was for the other person. I forgave someone. I was gracious; they were forgiven.

Even though the heart of the training was slightly off-center, it was closer to the truth than I realized. As a child, I didn’t realize forgiveness had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and that it was actually about me letting go and choosing not to hang onto the hurt or pain. I didn’t realize forgiveness was the way out of separation and separation was the force behind all fear and suffering.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU. ~ Unknown

Being raised Christian I was taught that if I believed in Jesus, he forgave me all my sins. As I understood this, all that was required was my belief. Believe and be forgiven—cause and effect. It was a done deal. When I was a small child, I believed. Church was the center of life. Choir practice, youth events, church picnics and camping trips were the stuff of my adolescent and teenage years. Dad was a deacon; Mom volunteered. Our family was about church.

Sweet sixteen came and went and with it, the basic premise of my life. Simple forgiveness no longer rang quite true. If I was forgiven, why did I feel so bad? Why did I agonize over how I looked, what I wore, how much I weighed? Why did I believe, somewhere deep inside, that I was not enough? Why did I want so badly to be accepted, to belong, and know, no matter how hard I tried, that I didn’t fit in? If I was forgiven, assured a place in heaven, why did my heart ache for something more?

I knew at the core, that everything was askew, and would never be quite right again, at least not in the simple way it had been when I easily slipped a child’s hand into the hand of Jesus and walked with Him, oblivious to doubts and dark nights. It took me many years of make-believe, pretending to go along with the program before I cut the ties, throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and began an amazing journey, only in recent years, seen to be circuitous.

The next twenty-five years took me through the desert of godlessness to the high plains of Divine Union and bit by bit, often painfully, imbedded a new understanding of forgiveness. Godlessness is such an intensely lonely place. No matter what I achieved, no matter what I acquired, no matter how many friends or lovers, I was still alone. At first, speaking the word ‘God’ was impossible. It rang with the fierce bitterness of betrayal. Speaking it, I knew I was a fraud, undeserving of letting the word grace my mouth in my uncertainty of its namesake’s existence.

Insight by insight, the path unfolded before me. Books fell off shelves into my hands and I couldn’t read them fast enough, sometimes reading three or more a week. Truth—I had to find the Truth. If what I knew was not Truth, then what was? I had to know. The longer the path wound, the more willing I was to find Truth, regardless of its message. I didn’t care anymore for my versions of truth, the versions being rewritten daily in the stories of my mind. God was reeling me in, like a fish dancing on the waves. A magazine would capture my attention and when opened, the face of a teacher would speak to me. Some teachers were real, some not. I was learning to discern what felt true, what felt pure. Sufism, Buddhism, Mysticism, Shamanism, all the isms tutored me, connecting all the pieces of the puzzle—and then I found Elle Re.

I don’t know how many times she said it, but one day, the first day I was ready and willing to hear, I learned about forgiveness. Elle has an amazing way of twisting the mind’s hold on words so that the words break open and spill their truth. Forgiveness, she said, was about everything being for the giving, forgiven back to God. What I heard that day was all mind was capable of hearing. I didn’t know then, that before it was done, everything I believed I was, everything I held onto for security, everything I held against any other, everything that made me special or unique, everything I wanted or desired, everything without exception, would be given back to God. I would be allowed to keep nothing. Another phrase I often heard her use was, “Nothing is for the keeping—everything is for the giving.” How very true that is.

True forgiveness is not an action after the fact. It is an attitude with which you enter each moment.” David Ridge

As I sat in meditation yesterday morning, I understood at last what it means, what Christ meant about true forgiveness, and knew that I was truly forgiven. True forgiveness comes when we believe enough to give everything we are back. It is the most amazing leap of faith, letting go into the unknown, letting go to God. Mind can only sense annihilation so each step along the path, feels like the last. Each step feels as if surely, nothing could remain if this ‘Yes’ is given—this ‘no’ forgiven. But, with each step, the ease grows. With each step, the ‘Yes’ deepens and resonates throughout the vibration previously called ‘me’. With each step God’s call Home strengthens. With each step an incredible expansion replaces the previously uptight human package—always bigger, always more than believed possible. With each step access is granted to previously unheard of knowledge and grace—timelessness, synchronicity, flow—each effortless and magical beyond conception. God’s grace is the call.

There appears to be no end, no goal zone, and for the seeker in search of the finality of done, there is alas, no destination. From this place of Clarity, there is no end to creation, to expansion. Just like the Universe, expansion within the universe of ‘I’ is ongoing, infinite. Each day brings with it extraordinarily vast horizons. Standing on the Whole side of the gateless gate, what some in today’s jargon are calling the portal, there is only God. From this vantage point there is clear seeing that there is only God, regardless of whether or not the awareness of this is present.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” Peter Ustinov

Hidden Between the Lines

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. Woody Allen…Actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )

Lately I’ve been noticing bumper stickers. The one that recently has intrigued my attention and intention, starkly states it all, simply in two words, on two lines—Only God. At first when I read the missive, my mind added an interpretative twist, making it ‘Only My God’. This allowed my sense of rightness, my ego’s dearest friend, the ability to judge this simple little sticker as farther right than my rightness was left. I had no idea, what ideology had produced the sticker, but mind, in its need to compare and contrast, created a storyline with all the characters intact. It was amazing to watch how quickly it got to the judgment point. Snap! Now what? What’s next?

As the weeks flew by, I kept noticing bumper stickers and this little one—Only God—appeared in the watching each day, like a bad habit impossible to shake. I had only to get in my car and drive somewhere, anywhere, and there it was. Not one to overlook the synchronicity, I realized a message was hidden between the lines.

Since I had quickly seen the tragicomedy within my judgment, my story of rightness, I knew it wasn’t the hidden gem. There was more. I waited for God’s infinite grace—the teaching moment—and continued to read bumper stickers, devouring them with my curiosity. I love the one that says ‘Co-Exist’, with each letter written in a different symbol from the world’s religions. It always brings a smile for its creativity and its message. I like to read the stickers and then look at the person driving the car, to see if my story about the owner matches the reality. Sometimes it does. Other times, it’s like someone stole the car—so far off, it doesn’t make sense, to this mind at least.

It never fails that just about the moment I forget I’m awaiting a message, the message arrives. It also never fails to knock the wind right out of me, so clear, so precise, so obvious that any question of truth is absolved in the looking. The religions have always spoken this message—Only God, nothing more, just that—simply. It is the meaning of La illaha il allah—the language of Islam—no other god but God. Moses returned from the mountain and his encounter with the Divine with the words, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”, burned into his tablet. The words are saying the same thing—Only God! They are messages from heaven, designed to awaken us, just like the simple little bumper sticker, just like every person we meet, every experience we encounter. The game is rigged when we are purposefully playing.

So what does ‘Only God’ mean? Recognizing that all words are interpretation and can act as pointers to that which is Truth, the reality that coursed through me, was there is ‘Only God’. There is nothing else but God. When I look at you and see the earth, the body of flesh and blood, I murder you. I murder God. There is only God. When I look at you and see ideas and theories, I steal from you, I steal your magnificence. I also murder myself, steal from myself in the moment I deny you your divinity. All ideas are of flesh and blood, the earth. All theories are the same—just dirt. All differences, a fusion of earth. They are of the animal within—the body, nothing more. When we cling to our rightness, we choose our little gods of mind, and refuse That which Is, God.

As I was dropping opinions, dismantling old notions and presumptions, basically taking apart all I had created, all I valued, all I railed against, I gained an understanding of who we really are. I had, what I see now to be, just a glimpse of our true magnificence. Shredding the mind’s story leaves one, in that in-between place, like a babe in the woods, uncertain which path to follow, and not caring, or worried in the least. But, with the love of the most amazing teacher, I had already given my heart back to the Divine, so my path was determined. Now, as I give, and re-give, my mind over to God, seeing the Holy in all things, I find myself torn apart and so miraculously, grateful for the tearing.

Last week, at a Board of Directors intensive at Inei-Re, I was given a whole new understanding of Truth, and a broader glimpse, for it can only be a glimpse ever-changing, ever-widening, into the truth of our magnificence. I sat in circle and something within acknowledged the God-light in each one present. Bathed in wonder as the presence of each expanded, my sense of self intensified and opened out as well. The light of each cracked me open, further, further than mind believed possible, for this was beyond mind. As I expanded into the light, it broke me apart as tears welled through my body. The light that I am, lifted into the heavens and returned, intensely, and spread out to enfold the others sitting in circle, like a wave brushing up against the rock shore. It reached them, caressed them, and folded back on itself returning to me, lifting me again to the spaciousness of mindless ‘Yes—Only God’, and with each wave, washed away pieces of old programming, cleared nerves of residue, no longer useful.

Only afterwards, did I understand what had happened. We are in a mix, constantly interacting with the divine of each. We use the pure light energy of each other to heal ourselves, to cleanse the nerves of all that is held, of our little gods, even when we are not consciously aware of being this light. It is what we are, whether we know it or not. It was clear that each of us supports all others. We are a supporting force. Our light always shines even though our fears or doubts prevent us from seeing clearly. We can shake loose of the ‘my-nd’s’ ties that bind, by simply remembering two words—Only God. The parable about caring for strangers, embracing each visitor at your door, of seeing Christ in every person we meet, is much more than parable. It is truth. When I was willing to extend this to all others, an amazing thing happened. The gate opened. What I searched for was found.

For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill and in prison, and you did not care for me.’ Then they will answer and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?’ He will answer them, ‘Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.’ Matthew 25, 42-45

Through the gift of financial insecurity

I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. Albert Schweitzer

Fear of financial insecurity is intricately interwoven in all we believe. It is a mighty dragon, chained and held fast in the dungeon of mind. A divine request for its release wordlessly, artfully arose in awareness several weeks ago. At first, as with all the other slices of ego that have been stripped away, it was just a nagging discomfort.

For me, messages from God seem to show up first as uneasiness in my body before making their presence intelligible to mind. If I am not tuned in, it’s easy to miss them altogether or to shrug them off and placate myself with distraction. Commitment to freeing this self from ‘all’ self-made prisons means that paying attention to body’s signs becomes a daily ritual, one perfectly matched with a vast incentive. This request invited me to let go completely and dive into the belly of God—to live there, love there, take my sustenance only there, to release the control I believed I had over my life, to release even the idea of control—in essence, to stop this mad game and come Home.

As mind grasped the fullness of the request the contraction began. Resistance, for me, is felt at the third chakra—right in the solar plexus. When my ‘yes’ to life is complete, life flows simply, there is connectivity, Oneness. But, when ‘no’ shows up, insensitivity, discomfort, anxiety, are there too. It is easy to see the resistance when I’m aware of my body’s signals. Everything I say ‘no’ to shows up in the body for a time before going underground, crossing the threshold of the dungeon into the land of ‘no’. There each ‘no’ finds company, insinuating itself into the intricately woven design created and then used as proof for the way life is. Each ‘no’ makes it a little more difficult to return Home.

Financial security is a truly convoluted fear. On the surface it appears as fear of financial insecurity or, in sheep’s clothing, hope for financial safety. When looked at closely it is worry, doubt, and anxiety about missing an opportunity, taking the wrong path, making a bad decision, a mistake. It is also about the need to be smart and to stay on top of things. Listen, you can hear the tension building. Regardless of story, the end result is always disastrous. After all, we are very ingenious story tellers. Without our intense scrutiny (and perhaps even with it) poof, financial well being slips out of reach forever! Along with it, our chance for happiness, our ability to participate in the good life, and perhaps, if we look close enough, our opportunity to take part in life itself.

Look for yourself. Regardless of how much money you have, it is there, hiding in the deep, dark recesses of the castle, guarded by a dragon of immense proportion. Financial security is a great soul offering, as are all life’s hardships and joys. The financial aspect of life is quite juicy so it reaches out and touches us in sharply intense ways, and as a result, is a perfect device for awakening. It is a mirror into fear when we are willing to stand in front of it and allow the hidden answers to appear.

This time understanding has come in small snippets of insight. The enormity of the request still settles in. To let go of all need to control, what would that imply? Absolute trust, complete surrender, willingness to be with whatever is, stepping off the cliff into utter ambiguity. The question being asked is, “What will I serve?” Will I serve ego and its needs, or will I serve the Greater Good—God, Love, Wholeness? After the residual dust of mind’s story clears away, the question is really that simple.

Will I serve ego? Having spent the first part of my life doing just that, I can clearly see this option holds no promise. I was successful. I acquired all the stuff necessary for happiness. Serving ego is empty, a dungeon whose doors never, never open. I know true happiness lies in a different type of service—serving the Divine, saying ‘yes’ to what is and allowing oneself to be used as an instrument of peace and love. I have felt this peace when I have stepped out of my own way and bent my knee in service to others. As long as I serve my ego, there is never enough. There is always the possibility of loss and harm and because of that I am forever inadequate to the task. No joy in that!

But, when I serve the Whole, it is no longer about me. Concern for ‘me’ drops away into the peace and joy found in being of true Use. When I just let go and dive into the belly of God, there is no discomfort. There is only expansive freedom. Hope for anything, all things, disappears in the dive. As I let go of each layer of ‘no’ a new presence emerges, each time more loving, more open, more able to hear the angels speak. No longer is there a need to hold life at a distance, waiting to be better, to be enough, to be somehow more whole. I laugh with the world and shout at the top of my lungs, “I am so glad to be here! Thank you God for this life.”

Love cannot remain by itself — it has no meaning.
Love has to be put into action, and that action is service

Mother Teresa

“The most striking contradiction of our civilization is the fundamental reverence for truth which we profess and the thorough-going disregard for it which we practice.” Vilhjalmur Stefansson (Canadian Artic Explorer)

Recently, I watched an interview with Brian Dennehy. As he talked animatedly about his long, illustrious career as an actor, one sentence he used grabbed me and I found myself reaching for a pencil to capture the juicy phrase. Of his performances he said he was constantly, “tinkering to get the fraud out”. As I listened I wondered if we are constantly tinkering to get the fraud out of our lives as well.

The answer came in three parts. Prior to awareness of choice our tinkering is automatic and not to get the fraud out, but to survive. We don’t stop to evaluate our attempts to protect and defend ourselves. We just do it. This is actually a free state of mind. From this state of ignorance, we act, from not knowing any better. Despite the free state of mind, nothing in our lives will dramatically change. Life will be predictable. Psychics will have no trouble telling you what tomorrow will look like, because it will look like today. Behaviors will continue status quo.

After awareness of choice, even as our fear-thoughts are being dismantled, we tinker to keep the fraud closely hidden. We find new, creative ways to hide our deepest, darkest thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others. We play the game. Sometimes we play it well, and other times it catches up with us and smacks us around a bit.

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” Nathaniel Hawthorne

Until we fully engage the experiment and enter into the hunt for our fears, the better job we do of hiding the truth from ourselves, the better chance we have at maintaining the illusion of being just fine. From this vantage, we still hold life at a distance, afraid to fully engage both its laughter and heartbreak. We tinker to keep from admitting how lonely and separate we feel. But, at an ever-rising level of wakefulness, we are aware of the fraud. The once free state of mind is now, less than a memory.

I remember going swimming with friends, just a little more than five years ago, and not wanting to get my hair wet. I was a fish as a child. Nothing satisfied me more than diving into the pool and frolicking in the water. It had a way of cleansing life’s ills and making the good even better. All summer long I ran around in flip-flops and a swimsuit with a big, silly grin on my face. How I loved the sun! But there I was—afraid to let my friends see me without my armor—the protective shield of coiffed hair, blush and eye-liner. Sounds ridiculous…or does it? If it wasn’t important, the memory would have faded years ago, along with other similar events of my life that no longer take up residence inside my head.

At the time, I had already embarked upon the spiritual quest. I was making headway into the recesses of mind, yet I still tinkered to protect my hidden identity, the person I didn’t want anyone to see. I was even aware of the choices I was making and the reasons behind the choices. Remaining hidden was more important to me than the pain remaining hidden created. I didn’t see it as fear. If I had, I don’t know that it would have changed anything. In fact, at this time my spiritual quest, if truth be known, was about escape—escaping from the ‘me’ I had hidden and into the truth and beauty I was certain existed somewhere, if I could just find it.

Now I tinker to get the fraud out, instead of trying to hide the fraud (myself) from view. Once you fully engaged the hunt for your fears, hiding is no longer an option. “Who I am is bowed in surrender. Who I am is ‘One’ with everything. I could call that by innumerable names but I choose to call that LOVE.” Once spoken, once committed, every attempt to hide is seen for what it is—a cry for love and acceptance and a knowing that hiding has not, will not give you freedom from pain, will not end the search, will to be sure, prolong it. There is great freedom in surrender. Without a doubt, surrender begets the only true freedom. Tinkering to get the fraud out! What an amazing gift we can give ourselves.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. – Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

 Wondrous
O wondrous creatures,
by what strange miracle do you
so often not
smile?

by Hafiz
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Most of my life I have felt as if I was on the outside looking in. When I think back to my school days I never quite fit in. There were always people more popular than I, people who appeared to be happier, to have more friends, or a more interesting family. Always a problem solver, I set about trying to prove to myself that I could fit in too. In my innocence, I reasoned that all I had to do was try harder, work longer, be nicer. It is interesting to note that when I was younger everything I desired had to do with people and connections, rather than acquisitions and security.

At some point, that changed. At some level, I must have realized my strategy wasn’t working, because I shifted my focus outward, to the acquisition of things. I wanted the closet of clothes so that I’d look better, different, special…in an effort to gain attention and the illusive acceptance. I wanted toys, at least at first, as incentive to get others to play with me and to think I was cool. Somewhere acquisition fever took over and the initial impetus got lost in translation.

For the last several years I have been looking closely at my life, my hidden motivations and unconscious driving forces trying to understand and break free from that tug in my heart whenever I enter a room full of new people. Will they like me? Will I stutter and show how ill-at-ease I am? Will they see the ‘real’ me?

The trip to New York for the publicity summit was a novel growth experience. It was a great learning process. Outwardly, I appeared calm and collected and to the unpracticed eye, inwardly I was pretty cool too. I had learned enough over the years to understand that if I made the conversation about me I would die an embarrassing death. So the secret for me was to keep the focus on what I could do for each of the specific media that I was meeting. It was a bit tricky. There was still an ‘I’ there that was going to do something, so the possibility of melt-down was imminent.

When I am catching a flight in the morning I rarely sleep well that night—not sure if it is anxiety or what. It has to be fear-based—perhaps fear that the alarm clock won’t go off and I will miss the flight or maybe there is a fear of flying that is deeply hidden. I haven’t seen the bottom of this habit yet. This trip nothing was different other than I wasn’t sleeping once I got to New York either. I now know that you can function rather well without sleep.

The second night in New York I sat up in bed, deciding to meditate since I wasn’t sleeping. I thought I would ask and see if I could get an answer to my insomnia. It wasn’t long before I heard “Move outside of your self. The focus is on you: your pitch to the media, how you will look, how they will respond to you.” The solution was clear. I began to extend my energy beyond myself to my friend who was sleeping in the bed next to me, next to the sweet people I had met in the elevator, and to my fellow participants at the summit, and out and out it went until my love and energy circled the globe. The thought of Gayle was so dispersed that there was nothing solid enough to claim…and I slept.

The next morning I awoke, not quite energized, but definitely more rested. As I stood in each que awaiting my turn to speak, I continued the practice, connecting with each participant and opening my heart to embrace the larger whole. My practiced pitch was quickly thrown out and replaced with ‘in this moment’ truth. I shared my discomfort, my ‘right now’ story and how the seven fears play out in day-to-day life. It was comfortable and honest. It felt clean and aligned with my promise to God and to myself of who I choose to be.

All of a sudden I was in the middle of it rather than standing on the outside looking in. I hadn’t gotten there because of the new pair of expensive pants and shiny new shoes I was wearing or even due to the haircut and pedicure or classy leather briefcase. None of those things had mattered. I was standing in the inside looking out because I had moved beyond centering on my self to a heart-centered focus on all that was around me. I put myself in the middle by expanding the circle around me and created possibilities that were previously distant to me.

These deep insights are such a blessing—true gifts from the Divine. They show us the path Home. It is Home that we search for, for that place of connectedness and love. As we attempt to connect, whether we do that through acquisition fever or by working on ourselves to make the package more presentable, what we are really after is to move beyond the limited self into unlimited selflessness. It is by giving what we want to others that we begin to dissolve our own hard edges, the ones that keep us at a distance and make us believe that we are small. As we take the spotlight off ourselves our true magnificence shines through.

Stephen Mitchell, Tao te Ching (a new English version)
Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear. What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure? Whether you go up the ladder or down it, your position is shaky. When you stand with your two feet on the ground, you will always keep your balance. What does it mean that hope is as hollow as fear? Hope and fear are both phantoms that arise from thinking of the self. When we don’t see the self as self, what do we have to fear? See the world as your self. Have faith in the way things are. Love the world as your self; then you can care for all things.

It isn’t what you think it is…

Expectation: An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order. Source: Wikipedia

My son is a wonderful mirror for me. It’s uncanny. Sometimes I wonder if he is really sitting next to me or if I just envision his face on reflections of my own thoughts. It seems every time we get together I come away with a fresh look at something I thought I understood. Whoever said, “We are our children’s teachers,” had it backwards.

This time our topic was expectations, or more precisely, letting go of all expectation. My son was a little resistant to the idea, especially when asked to apply it to people whose behavior he wasn’t exactly fond. He couldn’t see how letting go would result in anything other than an acceleration of the behavior—basically giving license to the individual to continue pushing his buttons.

I tried to explain how hanging onto the expectation of change actually locks in the objectionable behavior, guaranteeing push-back from the person whose behavior we don’t accept. Remembering high school science class and Sir Issac Newton I borrowed Newton’s Law III: To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction: or, the mutual actions of two bodies upon each other are always equal, and directed to contrary parts. Translated, it means if we push someone to change, they will push back and…our wanting changed behavior is a subtle, sometimes not so subtle, push.

As long as we are less than unconditional in our acceptance, we are creating the certainty that the behavior will not change. We see the person as someone who does such and so, and that is who they are, at the very least, that is who they are for us. This may partially explain why people can be very different depending on who they are with at the time—different expectations or levels of acceptance.

I wasn’t having much luck making my point. I hadn’t found the words that could connect the dots. Usually when this happens there is something more for me to learn. Perhaps I didn’t understand my point well enough to share it. That didn’t feel accurate to me. I had seen the truth of it too many times to deny its reality. More likely, I wanted him to let go of his expectations, and thus, ensured that he couldn’t. I was doing exactly what I wanted him to stop.

That’s when the shift took place. A window opened into possibility ending my crusade of logic. It suddenly became clear—the piece I was missing. As I saw what I was creating I had given up and the answer simply appeared; funny how that happens. When we cling to our desire for change, we have a picture in our heads of what we want to happen. We become knowing. We know what is right and what is wrong. Our version is right; the other version is wrong. That in and of itself is a set-up for failure, locking us into an unending war. Take a look at recent history; it’s sadly full of examples.

But there is another, perhaps more important consequence. When we hang on to our expectations, locked into our version of how ‘it’ should be, we aren’t holding the space for miracles. God can’t slip in and surprise us with His version, a version always far beyond our ability to imagine. If we can find the courage to let go of our expectations of others, and ourselves for that matter, we allow God’s pure design to unfold.

real
eyes
don’t
conceptual
lies

Bernard Gunther

Surrender: 1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another; 2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence) intransitive verb : to give oneself up into the power of another: yield. Synonym: relinquish.

No wonder we avoid it. Surrender has some pretty negative connotations. The descriptions aren’t very appealing—to give up completely—into the power of another—especially as a prisoner. Doesn’t draw you in, does it? I have spent the day searching for another word to use instead of ’surrender’ because its meaning does not do us justice. We hear the word surrender and immediately a red flag goes up—way up.

For the past months I have been dancing with surrender. A few nights ago it got the best of me. Enough already! Let go. No…you can’t keep anything. Let it all go. Sit and be still…silence…long, spacious silence. Out of nowhere, words of prayer began to slip from my lips. My mind had swung around slyly and cut back in. Father, teach me…show me…heal me.

Laughter, oh what a blessing it is! At once I saw the brilliant resourcefulness of this mind. Who says we aren’t creative. I was awed by its determination and fortitude, in love with the mystery of the dance. I sat back in wonder at its myriad shapes and guises, constantly, effortlessly shifting and adjusting and remembered Aja’s words, “Just this.”

Surrender to ‘just this’, to what is present in this moment—that is true surrender. When it comes it is a lover’s embrace, taking your breath and all that we believed ourselves to be. It leaves no trace of who we thought we were. It is free fall into Love with the Whole. It is the ‘Yes’ that hasn’t a ‘No,’ no opposite. Our ‘no’ tells the divine that we are still on our own, that we still want to play this silly game, that we still know what is best, what is right, what should be, that we still need to be taught, shown, healed, that who we are is still not enough.

When we know love matters more than anything, and we know that nothing else REALLY matters, we move into the state of surrender. Surrender does not diminish our power, it enhances it. Sara Paddison author of Hidden Power of the Heart

There is another word for surrender. It is freedom. It comes with a wild, heartfelt belly laugh, and feels as light as an angel’s kiss. With my full Yes, it instantly turns my world inside out. My heart rather than my mind is the access. As I surrender to Love, surrender all that I believe to be true, I see that I was never separate. It was merely imagination—creative and audacious—but imagination none-the-less.

I shall use the word ‘freedom’ in place of surrender. It is the perfect substitute. I was right to revere freedom, to fight for it and cry for its loss. Let your quest for freedom drive you relentlessly. At our core, we know its importance; we just don’t understand what it is.

The following is a prayer from Spiritual Teacher, Chris Celine, available at

http://www.chrisceline.com/chris.html

Intention

Mother-Father God,
Creator of All Life ~~
I am ready and willing to embrace new life.
I ask to see a different world.
I am ready to be transformed in every way.
The perfection, the beauty, the holiness,
Of who I really am
Is known to You, Dear God,
But not yet to me.
I say yes,
I want revealed to me
The depth and power of my true self.
I am willing to experience the wondrous Creation of All Life.
I am Your magnificent creation.
Help me to embrace my true and beautiful self –
Alive, undefended, compassionate, the power of Love Itself.
I embrace the truth of myself and all beloveds.
I surrender completely into total reliance on You.